not much but babbling

cardinal.JPGStaying busy here. I've got a few swaps in the works and I'm working on a small painting my friend asked for ages ago. (We're doing a little trade.) I don't hate it, but I don't love it. It was inspired by the bird paintings I did for N's room, but I like the originals better. Let's call this one a work in progress. I'm half tempted to paint over it and start again. See, I have a problem. I never like my own work. I don't think it's awful, just not great. I do enjoy making it; I paint murals for a living (sort of) for Pete's sake. But even the murals, which turn out fine, make me extremely nervous. I breathe a huge sigh of relief when the client comes in to see the finished work and likes it. People ask me all of the time if I have murals all over my house. NO! I couldn't stand to stare at them that long. Too permanent. It took a lot for me to come to terms with hanging those birds in her room. So why choose to be an artist if you're so unhappy with the outcome? That's the question for me. I love making things- artistic and pretty yet functional items- bags, dolls, clothes. But it's easier to see the purpose for them. Example: I LOVE, LOVE Melissa's art quilt. Beautiful. I think in my head, I should try that. But then again, would I hang it in my own house when I'm done? Probably not. If someone wanted it, then sure, I'd make it. This is the basic problem I had in college. I loved the process much more than the product. That printshop smelled so good, was a big magical science lab of sorts, but sit through another brutal critique of my mediocre yet passable art? See ya. I'm off to the bar. And all that conceptual bologna. Good grief. I get it already. I'm just here to draw a barn, people. (My senior show was all barns- I'll have to post a few sometime. Look here and here.) Don't get me wrong. I love abstract and conceptual art. I really do appreciate it. But it is what it is, let the viewer interpret. Quit blabbing about your privileged (or unprivileged) upbringing and your relentless struggle with self discovery. Ok, now I'm just being bitter. Sorry. And they wondered why I didn't apply to graduate school. Yet I really feel the drive to make stuff. I love being creative, drawing and painting and sewing and maybe even printing again one day. But is it weird to want to throw away what you've just made? Was it all a waste of time? Holy smokes. Look at all of this. Thank you if you've waded through this far- I didn't intend to post about all of this today. I was just going to show you this little bird painting I've been dabbing at. I am not looking for any stroking. I am trying to think this through. Is this common? Is it just insecurity? Is this the defining problem that holds me at crafter and not artist?